Tom and Angela are like many couples. They get into fights suddenly and without realizing why.
"I don't understand why the kids won't clean up when I ask them to!" Angela vented to Tom.
"Well, I just tell them to and they do. Maybe if you used a firmer voice, they would." Tom, a loving and supportive husband, had just unknowingly insulted his wife. Arguing soon ensued.
At the core of Tom and Angela's problem is that they did not have a clearly stated goal for this conversation. Angela spoke words that indicated "problem in need of solving," but really wanted empathy and support. Tom, hearing her literal words, offered a solution, but his effort was not appreciated. Why wasn't it?
It is because Angela was trying to have what the Gottman Research Institute (www.gottman.com) calls a "Stress Reducing Conversation," but her partner thought she was trying to have a "Problem Solving Conversation."
It may seem obvious that the purpose of a Stress Reducing Conversation is to relieve stress, and the purpose of a Problem Solving Conversation is to solve problems.
It helps to say something to your partner to indicate which type of support you are asking for:
"I don't expect you to fix it, I just want you to hear it......" would indicate the desire to be heard and to vent; hence this would mean "Please help me reduce my stress by being with me in my feelings for a minute."
"I am wondering what your thoughts are on how to...." would be an invitation for your partner to share their ideas for Problem Solving.
Many arguments would be avoided if it were clear as what you and your partner are wanting from the conversation, so I encourage couples to be more intentional in how they start their conversations. But even if your partner does not clearly state that they are stressed and just wants emotional support, you can look for clues:
* Your partner's mood or emotions seem stronger than usual.
* You are aware of something that has happened that may have been difficult.
* Your partner's words and non-verbal cues do not match. For example, he or she may be smiling but their words sound short and tense.
In these cases, do not assume you know your partner is stressed, but do gently nudge them towards emotional processing. If they go there, you'll know. You can do this by starting a generic Stress Reducing Conversation (SRC). Every person needs to have a SRC with someone every day, and romantic partners generally prefer to have this with at least each other. It's a universal conversation that nearly all couples try to initiate, hopefully,at least once a day.
You know how to begin it:
"How was your day?" It's a great question, but not enough to keep the romance alive.
There are many ways to demonstrate that you are listening so that your partner feels the care and love you have for them. I teach couples to use their fingers to remember all the points to hit:
1) The thumb helps you hold: Hold their heart, their gaze, their hand (if desired by them)...do turn off all the screens!
2) Pointer finger--Point out the good in them (not so much the circumstance)
3) Middle finger--Give The Finger to what they give The Finger to. Be empathetic.
4) Ring Finger-Say things that show your commitment to your partner's well-being
5) Pinkie--Be the little guy. Assume you don't understand their situation and learn from what they are telling you. Take on the attitude of a servant and know that in being there for your partner, you are making an important difference in their life.
For $3.99 we offer a guide to this type of conversation and also suggestions on words that you can say to indicate the love you have for your partner....because it turns out most men and women aren't given a movie script with the right words! Enjoy!
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