Thomas stole money out his sister's piggie bank. That's a pretty big deal if you are a parent who cares about your kids. A good parent would likely be concerned about Thomas' stealing behavior and what it will mean for his future, should it continue or escalate to stealing outside of the home. But how, oh, how, will the good parent get Thomas to see the error of his ways and prevent him from a repeat offense?
Few topics are more heated than the one of how children are raised. If we took a poll of parents regarding the above incident, no doubt we would get a variety of ideas on what should be done. Few parents, in my professional experience, would actually admit that this would be a difficult scenario and that they might struggle with knowing what to do. I say this because it is rare for me to encounter a parent, no matter how badly behaving or challenged their child is, who is eager to try out new parenting strategies. It is scary to acknowledge we are not sure of what to do.
I think many parents are overwhelmed by all the latest psychobabble on what to do. It's so much information and often so contradictory that many will block out what science tells us and just go with "how I was raised"...believing it worked for them (seeing how they believe they are perfect people?) and that their parents were wise (generally they were). But also, many things about life have changed. For example, in the early 1900s, blind obedience was a must for a kid who was likely to grow up and work as factory worker. The machinery wasn't too complex. Problems to be solved were not that many. Obey your boss. That's all they needed to know. So, "Kid, obey your parents!"... much like we expect a dog to sit when ordered to "sit".
Today's parents, however, must prepare their children for a very complicated world and work environment. They must be able to think for themselves, analyze and solve problems, and be extremely creative. They must understand how things work, not just do what they are told, although that still has some merit as well. The first machine to make sense of is,.....their own brain.
So back to Thomas who stole. Most parents would go for a harsh punishment that would be designed to inflict pain...emotional and/or physical pain. Hmmm....interesting choice. This method would give nothing to the goal of "understand your brain so you can gain mastery over it." In fact, if the punishment is too harsh, it will interfere with the thinking process. Ever heard of the Fight or Flight Response? We do not think well when too alarmed. Certainly, allowing for the natural consequences and even requiring a logical consequence would be necessary. Thomas needs to pay back his sister, with interest. All incoming gifts, moneys, etc. must be directed to sister until she is paid back in full. What is fair interest? Well, the parent should moderate that, but sister gets a say too. Does sister need anything else to feel safe and restored in her relationship to brother? She should be allowed whatever that is...again, parent will make sure this is within reason and enforceable. But another natural consequence of having a moral crash, is to have to do a post-crime analysis. How did this happen exactly? Why did it happen? How can we be sure it won't happen again?
For this, I recommend what therapists call "Behavioral Chain Analysis". It is making your kid answer questions (if they won't participate, then they can have a punishment of parental choosing) and think through every step of what they did. This is painful!!! My kids used to beg me to punish them instead!
For a list of these questions, click here: https://lastinglove.us/products/getting-your-kids-to-think-about-what-they-just-did
Happy parenting! Children are a joy and a heritage! (Psalm 127).