A CEO killed and many believe he deserves it. A felony conviction meaning nothing to the majority of voters. Police stations on fire, and thousands protest. Distrust and anger towards those hired to administer "justice" is at an all time high, and it seems that Americans of every stripe and political affiliation agree: the system is broken. Like the parent who punishes one child for a fight only to cause more fighting between them, we as a culture are beginning to see the folly and the limitations of punishment alone. Punishment makes the stakes of being found out so high that people lie, abuse, and bribe. The punishments are so devastating and costly that they will only be carried out if it can be proven "without a reasonable doubt," so that most won't meet that standard and are left with no consequence. Survivors are further traumatized when they must face their attacker, not in a way that empowers them and makes the perpetrator have to deal with making amends, but just sit in a court room and figure out how to get out of what they have done. No one grows. No one changes. The world gets more corrupt. Everyone loses. What are our other options?
When I set out to be a parent, I wanted to be very good at it. And like many I went at the process of discipline similar to how I was brought up. I was spanked and punished, most certainly, but I like all kids, still misbehaved. At the age of four, I stood in the checkout line at Kmart and thought to myself, "I really want that Pez dispenser, and they don't put four-year-olds in jail!" I stole that day for the first and last time. And the way in which my discipline was handled has a lot to do with why I didn't repeat offend. My mother's method certainly is what protected me from engaging in this very addictive behavior again. Once she realized I had stolen, she required me to go back into the store and talk to the manager. I had to confess what I had done, apologize, and return the stolen item. I endured a lengthy lecture about how stealing harms not only the store but the entire community. I had to face, not only with the manager, but several employees and other people who were shopping around me. The weight of what I had done came crashing down on my shoulders. I felt embarrassed. I felt responsible. And I promised I would never do it again and never did. In keeping with the times, when my mother told my father, and he spanked me. But the truth is the spanking did nothing to change my attitude, beliefs, or behavior. I was changed from having to confess, apologize, and face my victims and endure public humiliation. It was overwhelming to me, but I also was loved in that moment.
There's a wonderful book called, "Love at Goon Park," by Deborah Bloom https://www.amazon.com/Love-Goon-Park-Science-Affection/dp/046502601X/ref=sr_1_1?crid=27PETG80DTYTZ&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.Fa-VrwVvuJpJ61Aj2ecK-VfaT-U60hJZG5GNwNAFMPTMldwo9wQsZFbKL1LiDeEoJ5BvaYqBbwIbzbc0PjvsALjQ7M3nu3eEUYCdJDZ1TSVZERZvCUH10XAgX89qBdDsFxh2PSF2PwJAxp_Owh9eRA.OfNunBJ4aGQrXfiXFbmuCb3c6e4S8PvMLsGQ7gXpxrQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=love+at+goon+park&qid=1733932490&sprefix=love+at+goon+p%2Caps%2C178&sr=8-1. In the book she describes the work of Iowa native, Dr. Harry Harlow. He studied rhesus monkeys at the University of Wisconsin in the late 1960s. He proved that children do not develop good behavior from punishment and reward, as if they are mice who can simply be trained by shocking them when they get it wrong and giving them cheese when they get it right. Instead, he found that in humans morality develops in a social context with connection to attachment figures being everything.
I learned about this in graduate school when I was studying to be a licensed mental health counselor, and it changed the way I parented my own children and the programs that I would go on to write for children, as well as my counseling practice. Another must-read for parents trying to instill good morality and behavior in their children without messing them up with unnecessary punishments is, "Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control," by Heather Forbes and Bryan Post. https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consequences-Logic-Control-Attachment-Challenged/dp/0977704009
As a Christian, Pastor's Wife, and Mental Health Counselor, I am frequently perplexed by the number of Christ followers who raise their children as if the only tool in the parenting toolkit is punishment. They overdo punishment and wind up with children who are great at lying. They act ok when parents are around but misbehave when they are not. They are tired parents. They fight with each other about what the proper punishment should be. Their children misbehave and rely on their parents to then fight on what will happen next, thus increasing the chances they will see no consequence for their behavior. These parents have gone down the usual, conventional, secular route of punishment, even though Jesus Christ took the punishment for us. For a one page graphic showing 11 Christian parenting tools, including punishment (rarely appropriate but sometimes is), with Bible verse citations to help us understand how to use these tools, click here: https://lastinglove.us/products/christian-parenting-toolkit
The world is increasingly corrupt. On this we likely all agree. We can help our kids develop their morality and become good citizens by helping them face what they have done and make it right. If they have upset feelings about what they have done, allow them to deal with them. Don't shut down the process with a punishment that they will stay focused on. And adults, let's set a good example ourselves!
---Jennifer Brost is a licensed mental health counselor, Pastor's Wife, and mother of the world's best two adult sons. She enjoys helping families find the joy God intends for them in every area of life, especially within relationships. For more articles and resources visit: www.lastinglove.us