It doesn't matter how old or wise you become, all of us cause regrettable moments. These are moments in which we chose to say or do something that we will later wish we could take back. Your kid was in pain, and you missed an opportunity to be there for them because you were glued to your entertainment. Your boss asked you to do something and you complained so much you got in trouble. Your spouse had a bad day and you told them yours was worse. Some regrettable moments are worse than others and have even landed people in divorce court or jail. As a pastor's wife and Christian, we call these actions "sin". To sin is an archery term, and means that we have missed the bull's-eye. We have missed the bull's-eye of God's will for our best lives. That grieves Him. It hurts us.
How does it happen that someone really doesn't want to hurt someone but does? How does it happen that we destroy our lives and our bodies seemingly without thinking? As a licensed mental health counselor my first suspicion would be that perhaps some sort of substance or addiction was in play. And if you know that when you did or said this you were intoxicated or plotting your next trip to the casino, it would be best to address that. But beyond that, even when sober, many people find they lose control of their mouth and their actions.
There is a chain of processes that we get to go through, if we choose to, to arrive at a better behavior and decision. Oftentimes this process is completely skipped. Sometimes we skip it because were in too big of a rush. We feel the time is of the essence and we just have to do something immediately. Other times we skip the process because we are embarrassed. We do not want to show our feelings because we've decided that some of them are embarrassing or shameful. We don't want to have to talk out loud with someone about our thought process because some of those thoughts are embarrassing or perhaps shameful. We don't want to have to examine our beliefs because it makes us feel uncertain. We may not even be sure of what we believe anymore. We have been lulled into simply watching our device and being entertained. It's a sad, lonely existence that leaves us isolated.
In community, we process all of this. We give it first to God and seek His direction and wisdom. We still need to chew on it ourselves and allow for examination and insight from others. Certainly there are those who are quite introverted and much of this process will be internal, but an outsider's view is still valuable. Some of us are extroverted, and we naturally open our mouth and speak before we think. For those like this, we must remind ourselves to work through the internal process...."Think before you speak."
The process we get to go through to arrive at our best decision is this…
Something happens. We'll call it an event. The event triggers in us an automatic, reflexive feeling. We then have thoughts about the feeling and the event. We then must sort through the ideas we have about those events, thoughts, and feelings. We then run ideas about what it all means and what are options are through our belief system. And finally we choose an action or inaction, which is still an action.
Here's an example:
I step out into -10° temperature. I immediately feel cold. I then think to myself, "Dang it's really cold out here!" I then begin having ideas about what I should do and why it's cold out here. I start sorting through my beliefs. "I believe freezing temperatures could kill me." I also believe, "I still need to go to work." Experience has taught me that, "A coat will help." My Bible taught me to not steal, so I believe, "I should not steal anyone's coat. I must use my own." Grabbing and wearing my own coat is the next event and that positive action, gives me the next set of processes, beginning with a feeling called relief.
Imagine I dealt with my cold feeling in an unhealthy manner, called repression, attack, or judgment.
I step out into -10° temperature. I immediately feel cold. I then think to myself "What kind of a wimp am I?" I then started having ideas about how to make myself less wimpy. I get the idea that I could go without the cold, stand outside as long as possible and build up my tolerance to the artic freeze. My thoughts and ideas remind me that I have a coat. But my beliefs tell me that I need to be strong and I believe strong is not feeling pain. I decide to go with that and so stand out in the freezing cold without a coat or gloves. I get frostbite. I lose my fingers over this, and I no longer can do my own buttoning of my shirt. My career prospects are now limited, and it is all be because I judged, my feeling and chose a "I'm a wimp and need to correct it" pathway. I refused to accept and explore my initial feeling of cold, which, in fact, was a normal response to an adverse event.
We cannot control our first initial feeling. People develop all kinds of mental health problems by trying to do that. Wars are fought and dictators try to dictate what our initial feelings should be. Hold a parade with the supreme leader walking by and his subjects are required to smile. Marriages have ended because initial feelings are hidden, judged, or denied. Soon the romantic partners are just strangers who happen to live together.
What we can control is the process of sorting through what happened and doing something positive... and that might just give us the next little boost we need. But we must accept that if someone dies we will feel sad. We will have to go through the grief process if our relationship ends. If I did something mean, somebody will feel mad. This is the mature part of us that knows that this the way life works. But in our defensiveness, we try to shut all that down and skip quickly to action or inaction because were too busy. It hurts too much to fix our mistakes. We fail to examine all that is going on. Examining all that I am suggesting might just lead us to action...action that changes ourselves and the way the world works! How fun!
Most of us would like to make fewer regrettable moments for ourselves and for others. To help with this I have created a visual graphic to remind myself and others to slow down and think things through. This along with some other free resources available at our website www.lastinglove.us. Click here to access the document: https://lastinglove.us/products/why-i-need-space
Thank you and God bless!