Tom and Angela are like many couples. They get into fights suddenly and without realizing why.
“I don’t understand why the kids won’t clean up when I ask them to!” Angela vented to Tom.
“Well, I just tell them to and they do. Maybe if you used a firmer voice, they would.” Tom, a loving and supportive husband, had just unknowingly insulted his wife. Arguing soon ensued.
At the core of Tom and Angela’s problem is that they did not have a clearly stated goal for this conversation. Angela spoke words that indicated “problem in need of solving,” but really wanted empathy and support. Tom, hearing her literal words, offered a solution, but his effort was not appreciated. Why wasn’t it?
Stress-Reducing or Problem-Solving?
Angela was trying to have what the Gottman Research Institute calls a “Stress-Reducing Conversation,” but her partner thought she was trying to have a “Problem-Solving Conversation.”
It may seem obvious that the purpose of a Stress-Reducing Conversation is to relieve stress, while the purpose of a Problem-Solving Conversation is to solve problems.
It helps to say something to your partner that indicates which type of support you are asking for:
“I don’t expect you to fix it. I just want you to hear it.” This indicates the desire to be heard and to vent. In other words: “Please help me reduce my stress by being with me in my feelings for a minute.”
“I am wondering what your thoughts are on how to…” This invites your partner to share their ideas for problem-solving.
Many arguments could be avoided if you and your partner were clear about what you want from the conversation. I encourage couples to be more intentional about how they begin. But even if your partner does not clearly state that they are stressed and want emotional support, you can look for clues.
Clues Your Partner May Need Emotional Support
- Your partner’s mood or emotions seem stronger than usual.
- You are aware of something that has happened that may have been difficult.
- Your partner’s words and nonverbal cues do not match. For example, they may be smiling, but their words sound short and tense.
In these cases, do not assume you know your partner is stressed, but do gently nudge them toward emotional processing. If they go there, you’ll know. You can do this by starting a general Stress-Reducing Conversation (SRC). Every person needs to have an SRC with someone every day, and romantic partners generally prefer to have this with at least each other. It is a universal conversation that nearly all couples try to initiate, hopefully at least once a day.
You know how to begin it:
“How was your day?” It is a great question, but not enough to keep the romance alive.
A Five-Finger Reminder for Listening
There are many ways to demonstrate that you are listening so that your partner feels the care and love you have for them. I teach couples to use their fingers to remember the points to hit:
- Thumb – Hold: Hold their heart, their gaze, and their hand, if desired by them. Turn off all the screens.
- Pointer finger – Point out the good: Point out the good in them, not so much in the circumstance.
- Middle finger – Be empathetic: Give the finger to what they give the finger to.
- Ring finger – Show commitment: Say things that show your commitment to your partner’s well-being.
- Pinkie – Be the little guy: Assume you do not understand their situation and learn from what they are telling you. Take on the attitude of a servant and know that, by being there for your partner, you are making an important difference in their life.
We offer a free guide to this type of conversation, along with suggestions for words that can communicate the love you have for your partner, because most men and women are not given a movie script with the right words.
Download the free What to Say to Your Stressed-Out Partner guide.
