As a licensed mental health counselor, I have observed that many couples hold suspicions about each other. Some of them are benign and even helpful, such as, “I suspect that my husband will get me a gift for Christmas.” As a result of this positive suspicion, a wife may have positive feelings and behaviors toward her spouse.
Other suspicions can be very negative and involve things such as, “I suspect my partner doesn’t really love me,” or “I think he or she just gave me that gift to check off a box and look good to others.” These negative suspicions, these types of hunches about the other person’s motivations and character, can be rooted in past experience. Some of that experience may have been with the person now under suspicion. These negative theories that border on beliefs must be addressed, or the relationship will not be healthy.
How Negative Suspicions Distort a Relationship
For example, when someone suspects that, underneath it all, their partner does not want an equal relationship, they begin to see everything their partner does or does not do through that lens. A dish left in the sink becomes proof that you think I am your slave. The fun item just purchased is evidence that you think you are entitled to more of the money than I am. An orgasm reached first gets interpreted as you not being patient enough to wait for me because you only think of yourself. Soon, even the good times are bad.
If these suspicions are not brought into the light for examination, I find couples testing each other in ways designed to prove the belief. Since no one likes to be wrong, the results of these tests often seem to confirm the negative suspicion. Although, to be fair, sometimes the negative suspicion exists because it is accurate.
Should You Bring Up the Suspicion?
You may wonder whether you should directly address the suspicion by bringing it to your partner’s attention. If you do decide to address it, you may wonder how to do so without creating even more negative experiences, such as a fight with no problem-solving.
If you are going to bring up your negative theories, let it be for the purpose of resolving them. If you are already convinced of your belief and are not open to information that could challenge your perceptions, then there is no point in discussing the matter. I guess you will remain unhappy. You can also end the relationship, and in many cases, that would be best in my professional experience.
But for those of you who are only partially convinced of your partner’s negative motivations, you may want to check your work. Past negative events may have helped form your suspicions, but you may wonder whether your partner still feels that way, believes that, or would do that again. You may wonder whether any growth has occurred. Hopefully, it has in both of you.
Use the free Resolving Suspicions guide to help discuss and address the wall that unresolved negative suspicions can build between partners.
